random acts of senseless beauty

two hearts

It’s unspurprising to blog about love today, but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. It’s dawned on me, in a scales-falling-from-my-eyes kind of way just how well loved I am.  When typing that it seems like the most arrogant of statements, but I don’t mean it in a “Woo! Get Me!” style. I mean… I am loved well.  And by so many people.

The love of which I speak is a many faceted thing: It is the affectionate kind that holds me close and strokes my arms; it is the joyous kind that laughs, open eyed, at things I do and say; it is the quiet kind that watches, hushed but smiling, from a distance – whether that’s from across a room or across an ocean; it is the firm kind that is not afraid to admonish recklessness and bring honesty – however difficult – with grace; it is the protective kind that puts itself between me and anything that even smells of insensibility; it is the naïve kind that looks with abandoned generosity from the eyes of a child, without even knowing what is being given; it is the purposeful kind that chooses to love in a dangerous time; it is true, it is honest, it is sweet, it is kind, it is tough, it is patient, it is glorious; it has made me who I am and pushes me closer and closer towards who I want to become.

In the recent film Stardust, Yvaine – a star fallen to earth – cannot shine when her heart is broken. But when she finds herself loving and loved – by the character Tristan – she can’t help herself; she glows without even knowing it. It’s all over her.

This is how I feel at the moment. The darkness is ever present; a fear that sits, restrictive, in my chest, but still I feel aglow.

In a key moment, Yvaine has a short monologue on the nature of love. It is such beautifully written scene that it brings a weight to the film that cannot be dismissed. I’ll leave you with that.

“You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love.

I’ve seen it, I’ve seen centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.  All those wars! Pain and lies, hate… made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves? I mean you could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.

So, yes, I know that love is unconditional, but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you!

My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange – no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.”